The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

20:41 Mar 24 2008
Times Read: 621






A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.



'From now on when I say BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3

We are going to make love all night.

'

The next night he came home from work and yelled

'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.



When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.



When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.



After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'

'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?





'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '

YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

Made me chuckle this morning
13:56 Mar 12 2008
Times Read: 623

My first husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God, and I didn't.





There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.



An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can

Remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me

the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation,

"I now pronounce you man and wife."



I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"



Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?



The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.





Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea



Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"



Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.



Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."



John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

"Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"